As a baby, I was watched over with a hawk's eye by my doting parents. Mama nursed me and clothed me, and Papa enjoyed bathing and playing with me. I was even taken to a state visit to France in 1896, where the people rejoiced at seeing the fat little highnesse impériale. In December of that same year I was sent to the nursery, and neither Mama or Papa really liked the idea much; about it, Papa wrote that "our daughter will have to be moved upstairs, which is a pity and rather a bore". The nanny even told Mama she popped in too often.
In 1897 I was joined in the nursery with best friend, Tatiana. We were named after Olga and Tatiana from the play Evgeny Onegin. We were so close, we shared rooms in the Alexander Palace, Peterhof Palace, Livadia Palace, our yacht, and, well, everywhere! In 1899 we were joined by sweet Maria, and in 1901 naughty Anastasia arrived. Although she loved us all very much, Mama was dismayed she didn't have a son to hold up the dynasty. Finally, we were joined by our brother Alexei in 1904. Although we had our squabbles as children we're all quite close. We call ourselves an acronym--OTMA--which we sign cards and whatnot for our many relatives, and it just goes to show how united we all are! Being the oldest, one would expect me to take the seat of authority with the little ones, but I most certainly don't hold that title, for Tatiana does. In fact, they call her The Governess.
| "Olga was perhaps the cleverest of them all, her mind being so quick to grasp ideas, so absorbent of knowledge that she learned almost without application or close study. Her chief characteristics, I should say, were a strong will and a singularly straightforward habit of thought and action. Admirable qualities in a woman, these same characteristics are often trying in childhood, and Olga as a little girl sometimes showed herself willful and even disobedient. She had a hot temper which, however, she early learned to keep under control, and had she been allowed to live her natural life she would, I believe, have become a woman of influence and distinction." Anna Vyrubova |
In the schoolroom, our tutors generally think of me as their best pupil, for learning is something I enjoy and not just slog through or completely ignore like my sisters and brother. In his memoirs, our French tutor Pierre Gilliard wrote I "possessed a remarkably quick brain" and I "had good reasoning powers as well as initiative". I am especially fond of reading--novels, plays, and poetry are among my favorites--and, when the mood strikes, I write poetry. Our poor Mama could sometimes find books missing and trace them right back to me, where I would tell her that she would have to wait, because I had to find out if it was proper for her to read. I also enjoyed critiquing others' work, including the son of Mama's physician, Dr. Botkin; jokingly, I called the doctor a "deep well of profound ideas" and thus addressed him in letters as "Dear Well".
There are many who say I am much like my father, as well as my mother, although I'm inclined to believe the former. I certainly see we look enough alike, although I have blonde hair; one wonders how in the world I got it, seeing as everyone has brown or dark hair in our family. I have cornflower blue eyes and the funny little Romanov nose that I call "my humble snub". I don't care much for appearances, although I think I could say I'm sort of pretty. Many say I am quite graceful and a good dancer and rider; both of those I enjoy very much. I am the colonel-in-chief of the 8th Elizavetgradsky Hussars, and often accompany Papa on military reviews in my uniform.
However, though I am ready for any sort of laughter or joke, I am also terribly moody and sometimes bossy to my sisters. I often fight with Mama for we don't see eye-to-eye, and have to be calmed by dear, patient Tatiana. I am a sensitive person, sometimes too sensitive I think, and even the smallest thing--the wrong word, the wrong look--can make me cross and upset.
My sisters and I donate our modest allowance (about ten American dollars) to charities: to help orphanages, churches, hospitals, things that really matter. We are all very interested in helping as much as we can. Being a grand duchess, I was expected to attend functions and parties, although I did not due to the fact that Papa and Mama hated them, and that there weren't many to go around in the first place; we weren't welcome in the sociable circle much, although I admit I don't care for such frivolous people. I was supposed to make my grand debut in 1914, but fate got in the way.
| "Olga was by nature a thinker and, as it later seemed to me, understood the general situation better than any member of her family, including even her parents. At least I had the impression that she had little illusions in regard to what the future held in store for them, and in consequence was often sad and worried. But there was a sweetness about her which prevented her from affecting anybody in a depressing manner, even when she herself felt depressed; she alone appeared to see clearly the tragic future." Gleb Botkin |
So Papa went off to war, and Mama, Tatiana and I donned Red Cross nursing uniforms. We studied for two months for an exhausting exam, and the first day there we saw death and suffering first hand. It was a horrifying experience and terribly sad when one of these brave young men died, but it was rewarding when we could help someone overcome their wounds and rise up on their hospital beds from pain and terror. To cheer the soldiers up, we often held concerts in the Catherine Palace Hospital where we went every day, and I played the piano for them. The Little Pair and Alexei sometimes came to visit and laugh with the men, but I soon found myself stressed, nervous and anemic as the war dragged on. I had no stomach for blood, surgery and death, unlike Mama and Tanya who seemed born nurses. I took to the wards and just washed, cleaned and encouraged, taking no more part in surgeries where death on the operating table was a common occurance. All we saw forced the frivolous, moody Olga away and left in it's stead a shadow of the former Olga--an adult, a woman forced to grow up--who understood too much of the world Mama and Papa did not want us to see. They were not infallible in my eyes--eyes that were no longer a child's.
| "Her beautiful, gentle hands handle any job with ease and cleverness. She is so fragile and gentle as she bends with particular love and care over every soldier's shirt that she sews. Her musical voice, her graceful movements, her lovely, thin little figure--it is the essense of femininity and friendliness. She is so bright and joyful." S. Ofrosimova |
When the revolution came to Russia, we were all abed with the measles. The disease struck Maria and me the hardest; she had to be in bed with oxygen as she had double pneumonia on top of it, and I was almost blind for a period of time, as well as having peritonitis--the inflammation of the membrane around my abdomen. Alexei, thank the Lord, came through his measles fine. Papa came home, and was no longer tsar. I had to write it down for Tatiana, who couldn't hear due to the disease. We were given medication which eventually made out hair fall out. So Mama decided to have our heads shaved. As if we didn't have to suffer enough humiliation with Soviet guards constantly around!
Finally we were all allowed outside, and we began building a kitchen garden, believing we would be staying at our dear Alexander Palace through winter. We hoped we would get to England or, better yet, to our beloved Crimean estate called Livadia, where I had my coming out ball six years earlier. We were instead shipped like cattle to Siberia--Tobolsk, to be precise. Live there wasn't utterly horrible, although we all wished we could at least walk outside the gates that went 'round the house we all lived in. Everything got worse when, in November, Vladimir Lenin and his communist party ran over the Duma and took over Russia.
| "Olga Nikolaevna was devoted to her father. The horror of the Revolution told on her more keenly than on any of the others. She changed completely, and all her bright spirits disappeared." Sofia Buxhoeveden |
Red Guards were ordered to take over our house; we had befriended the previous soldiers at Tobolsk with no one else to talk to. But these men were ruthless. Most of them were rapists and murderers, horrible people who deserved to stay in jail. They told Papa and Mama that we all had to go to Moscow, but mainly our parents. Mama stressed over which one of us she should take, until Tatiana told her she must decide. She picked Maria, telling us I needed to take care of Alexei who had hurt himself yet again, and Tatiana needed to watch the household and be in charge. Anastasia was too young to be taken into account at sixteen. We bid tearful goodbyes, and were stunned when we heard they were taken to a house in Ekaterinburg, captured by the wild Ural Soviets. We all joined them weeks later.
Maria wasn't wrong when she wrote in her letter that things were terrible. Although we were together, our suffering increased tenfold, only comforted by the fact we were again one united family. The soldiers removed our doors and prowled about at night, watched us as we went to the lavatory, and wrote cruel things on the walls and forced us to play and sing revolutionary songs. In this oppressive and frightening environment, we trusted our lives in the hands of God, and waited for what He had in store for us in silence. He gives us suffering and then He delivers us from it and by suffering, we will be in Heaven. I drew my strength from hymns, the Bible, from my prayers and in the end, we were all rewarded for our suffering and made Holy Imperial Martyrs by the Russian Orthodox Church.
My Life in Pictures
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