She never does any wrong, other than flirting a bit too much and disregarding propriety when it is most observed. In our little family Marie and Anastasia are the cheerful darlings; both have beautiful blue eyes and light brown hair. I eventually grew up to have the dark features and my limbs stretched further than anyone else (I was almost 6 feet tall -- 5'10" according to Olishka). Olga, on the other hand, was the stubborn and taciturn individual. She too has blue eyes and light hair, but doesn't seem to care all that much about anything other than her poetry and books.
I, on the other hand, have widely spaced blue-gray eyes and dark brunette hair, which I lost when I was ill with measles. In all my sisters, I was the only one to resemble my mother. She had a special quality which one had to see in her walk and regal, feminine bearing, which I had inheirted and only wish most ardently that my sisters would at least try to use. People tend to say that I am haughty, but I assure you that I am not! *laugh* They do have this initial unease being around a Tsar's daughter, but they're not like that around my sisters!
| "The Grand Duchess Tatiana was as charming as her sister Olga, but in a different way. She has been described as proud, but I never knew anyone less so. With her, as her mother, shyness and reserve were accounted as pride, but once you knew her and had gained her affection, this reserve disappeared, and the real Tatijana became apparent. She was a poetical creature, as always yearning for the ideal, and dreaming of great friendships which might be hers. The Emperor loved her devotedly, they had much in common, and the sisters used to laugh, and say that, if a favor were required, 'Tatiana must ask Papa to grant it.' She was very tall, and excessively thin, with a cameo-like profile, deep blue eyes, and dark chestnut hair... a lovely 'Rose' maiden, fragile and pure as a flower." ~ Lili Dehn, friend of the Tsaritsa |
As stated before, I have three wonderful sisters: Olga, Marie, and Anastasia and one darling little brother Alexei. Out of the three sissies, Olga and I are the closest since we do share a room and are the oldest, and we are referred to as the "Big Pair" while Mashka and Nastya are the "Little Pair." Olishka has a temper, especially when Mama is around, and is such a bookworm, though she does not share the same passion as I do for theological books. Personally, I believe poetry is such a bore but she would probably just glare and yell if I said so... she's prone to outbursts, as Mama calls them.
Well, as for Mashka, our Angel of the family - she is a sweet hearted muffin! Though she does flirt at an enormous rate, she is a well behaved young lady when I remind her to be. Anastasia, on the other hand, is a rascal and it is appalling how spontanious she is... personally, I find it impossible to handle her without one of her pranks involved.
| "Tatijana was rather reserved, essentially well balanced, and had a will of her own, though she was less frank and spontaneous that her elder sister. She was not so gifted, either, but this inferiority was compensated by more perseverance and balance. She was pretty, though she had not quite Olga Nikolaievna's charm. If the Tsaritsa made any difference between her children, Tatiana Nikolaievna was her favourite. It was not that her sisters loved their mother any less, but Tatiana knew how to surround her with unwearing attentions and she never gave way to her own capricious impulses. Through her good looks and her art of self-assertion she put her sister Olga in the shade in public, as the latter, thoughtless about herself, seemed to take a back seat. Yet the two sisters were passionately devoted to each other. There was only eighteen months between them, and that in itself was a bond of union." ~ Pierre Gilliard, Imperial tutor, on Tatijana. |
My sibilings have dubbed me the "Governess" since I have the common sense they so lack! It is not as if I try to force rules onto them; they know perfectly well what is wanted and not wanted as children of Russia. But they just don't understand the importance of it! Of us all, though I am the most conspicuous of us all, I am probably the oddest of us all. Of course, Olga is seen as the oddball of the family but she has poetry and her writing to devote herself to. I have nothing that really interests me other than Mama's books on theology, which is the reason why I really do pay so much attention to other people around me. If God really has blessed me with so much time and people, then the best I could do is to devote myself to them. Naturally, none of the others really do understand me.
| "God's Blessings and His Words Upon Us: Why, seeing an orthodox cemetery, do we begin to feel dull at heart? "Because life on earth is bustle, we've never striven against the desires, We've served out flesh and have cared for idle comfort, in spite and slander. And why, standing by the shrine of pious people, do we feel contented? Because their life was sacrifice; as Christ suffered and after His suffering There was Easter. Thus a pious person endures spite and persecution..." ~ Tatijana Nikolajevna, 1913 |
Papa adored us all, but it was Olga he especially loved. They both shared the same liberal attitude toward many issues and had the same air of fragility despite their efforts in displaying their inner strength. In Nastya Papa found laughter and youth that the rest of us could never amount to. Mashka was his "Angel" and the subject of our (and his!) constant teasing. In me, I believe Papa found the same aloofness he saw in Mama. Of course, I was never but generous and happy with Papa.
Of us all, I alone understand Mama best given the fact that I respect her opinion and trust her judgment with our lives. She alone understands why it is so important to abide by rules especially with Alexei, and I greatly admire her integrity toward her beliefs, which I hope that I would one day immitate to perfection. By watching and living with Olishka, Mashka and Nastya and of course, Sunbeam - I suppose it is because Mama doesn't smile much for us and the little ones are very fond of smiles and kisses, besides Olga, who is the complete opposite of Mama.
When Mama put us under the charge of several teachers to learn the languages of Europe and art, music, religion and embroidering, the majority of us hated it besides Olga, who would relish in the poetry readings we were forced into. Really awful when it is so superficial as a sunrise. Of us all, the piano is my gift and in it, I learn quicker and understood it better than any of my sisters. I really do not care either way, though Olga would devote countless hours to perfect that one half rest!
During the war I volunteered to become a nurse with Mama and Olga. It was Mama's idea that we would contribute to the warring effort, though the entire court was appalled that she would devote the Winter Palace to it. We all adored our work there and Olishka and I were glad to escape the tedious routines of Palace life.
In 1917, we were sent to Tobolsk and were imprisoned. Mama and Papa was allowed to take only one of us. Marie was chosen for her optimism and bravery and I was left to take care of Alexei and to watch after Olga's temper and well being. I suppose one can say that I became even more withdrawn, though one can never notice such times in the expanse of time. It was the same with Olga. She never spoke much anymore, and it was an extreme bore for Alexei who is used to lots of activities, but because of our condition and his health, I did what I could to limit what we did so to not attract illwill and keep Alexei safe. Anastasia was the same imp she was, except I believe that she finally did understand my constant warnings when we were on our own for the first time in our lives. I believe she was the strongest of us all. A quiet tremor of inner courage that I failed to find in myself, thereby bringing myself to paying more attention to Alexei than ever before.
| "My darling: I often think and pray for you, and we are always remembering and speaking of you. It is hard that we cannot see each other, but God will surely help us, and we will meet again in better times...We live quietly and peacefully. The days pass quickly." ~ Tatijana Nikolajievna to Anna Viroubova, Tobolsk, 1918 |
My little brother, Alexei, suffered from hemophilia. A genetic condition that caused him to convulse and bleed internally. We never told anyone of this secret... Everyone took care to watch over him, and it seemed that he was getting better. It was probably because he was older and was more responsible, but nonetheless, it was impossible for me to rest easily with Baby in the next room with his condition.
Soon, we were reunited again at Ekaterinburg. There, we worked and lived at Ipatiev's house... it was a peasant lifestyle and Mama fell ill again. We found happiness in many little things. Of course we weren't allowed to go walking in the woods any longer, or sleigh... all that was behind us now. Papa was suspected of wrongdoings against the Russian people. He was wrongly accused - Papa loved Russia.
We were forced to live in meager conditions and I turned toward the Lord for salvation. Olga became even more quiet, and darling Mashka was suddenly the little Princess I had always wanted her to be - she grew up. Nastya tried to bring humor to our lives, but the guards didn't allow too much laughter. Mama cried, and Papa fell silent.
The wheel of time has turned. And the world has leapt with it. Every passing moment, I felt the truth seep into the inner most of my spirit - our time is gone, what will happen to us now... now that nobody wanted us...
| "Your grief is indescribable, the Savior's grief in the Gardens of Gethsemane of the world's sins is immeasurable, join your grief to his, in it you will find consolation." ~ The words of Father Ioann of Kronstadt, quoted by Tatijana in her last diary entry |
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